The blame game.
Let's talk about the blame game.
When we go through difficult situations with people, we tend to first see how they're doing us wrong or how they aren't right in many ways.
Although this is normal human behavior, it is also toxic because it doesn't really take us anywhere productive nor healthy.
Instead of staying fixated in what he or she did to you, I invite you to ask yourself some questions that will not only help you see how you're the cause of your own suffering, but reclaim your attention to become a more powerful person.
I know. It's hard to realize and accept how we might be responsible for the chaos in our own lives, but doing this exercise will help us avoid making the same mistakes over and over and over again. So it’s necessary to end the game. I promise.
Note: it is really important that although we’re here to take responsibility for our actions, we’re not here to shame or judge ourselves.
Learn how you’ve been sabotaging yourself, accept it, forgive yourself and make a commitment to change this unhealthy behavior. Don’t get stuck in the self-shaming club. We’re no victims here. So, let’s go.
WRITE AS MANY ANSWERS AS YOU CAN THINK OF FOR EACH QUESTION.
Where is my attention?
Asking this helps us turn away from the finger-pointing that our minds tend to go back to during these situations, and see how we’re doing so we can begin doing things differently from now on.
How did I give my power away in this situation/relationship?
Ex. By taking on the role of the savior and over-giving as a way to keep the situation/relationship afloat, filling myself with frustration, resentment and unreal expectations.
In what ways did I let myself down in this situation / relationship?
Ex. By putting my partner’s needs first and believing they weren’t capable of taking care of things themselves.
What can I do to reclaim my power back?
Ex. Be generous, but put my needs first, and allow my partner to do the same.
How are they similar to the ways this person let me down?
Ex. I got my partner used to me taking care of their problems in ways they should’ve done for themselves, and I abandoned my own needs to do so.
Where was I expecting this person to take care of me in ways I refused to take care of myself?
Ex. I expected them to know what was wrong and be gentle with my feelings, but I wasn’t communicating what those feelings were nor the fact that I needed this gentleness, because I wasn’t even aware of where they were coming from.
What did this cause us both?
Ex. Dissatisfaction, resentment, frustration, imbalance.
What were the lies I was telling myself in order to stay in this situation/relationship?
Ex. This person loves me like no one else ever will.
How are these lies?
Ex. I am worthy of being loved by a conscious partner even if I’m not perfect in every way. I am not unlovable, and there isn’t only one person in the world willing to love me. There are many more who can see my worth and want to share the same path as me.
What hurtful story from my past am I repeating here?
Ex. I chose a person who seemed “weak” again because I thought they needed me and wouldn’t leave - and I thought my value was in what I was able to do for someone else instead of who I am.
How did I behave in the same way as always?
Ex. By over-giving and taking on more responsibility than I was supposed to.
What can I do to change these behaviors?
Ex. Work on my self-esteem, be vulnerable, and be responsible only for myself and not others. Carry just my weight in the relationship.
What do I need from this or the next situation/relationship?
Ex. A considerate partner who makes me feel safe but is also responsible and trustworthy.
Remember; when responding these questions, do it with a tender heart and lots of self-compassion. We’re here to learn and grow from our mistakes, not to go to the cross for them.
The point is to become emotional alchemists and open ourselves to new opportunities to apply these learnings. Not to shut down and believe we’re not worthy of being loved or of second chances just because we screwed up in the past.
The only way to make sure these things don’t happen again is by being aware of them and doing our best to change them in new situations or relationships.
We are all worthy of love and forgiveness no matter what. Never forget that.
Mindfully,
Sam.
PS: Most of these questions are based on the Conscious Uncoupling program, which I highly recommend in case you’re going through a break-up or separation of any kind.
